FREIGHTER TAILS: the Misadentures of Mzzkiti
by Gibbs & Redfern



Get yo' ass outa' here!

NAME:  Rather Strehstowt


SEX:  Only after a Viagra and Valium cocktail

AGE:  Chronologically, 30 Terran years. Physically, closer to 70

SPECIES:  Terran Human (Homo sapiens neurosis)

RANK:  Lieutenant Commander

POSITION:  Chief Engineer, SPF Cargo Vessel Pharsicle

PREVIOUS POSITION:  Commander Strehstowt has had a somewhat checkered career, due in large part to his excessive jumpiness. Bounced from ship to ship, he has left a wide swath of accidental destruction behind him. Before his assignment to Pharsicle, he worked briefly on the SPF’s experimental Megabrute-class battleship. This assignment ended badly when Strehstowt caused a fusion-containment failure by spilling coffee into an open console. In the words of the SPF Admiralty: “If he blows up Pharsicle, who cares?”

PSYCHOLOGY:  Theories abound as to the cause of Strehstowt’s extreme nervousness, ranging from overwork, to simple incompetence, to a chronic overdose of caffeine. The real explanation is classified Top-Secret. As a young engineer, Rather participated in the first tests of the experimental Trans-Dimensional Imploder. While exposed to the beam, he discovered to his horror that reality as we know it is nothing more than an entertainment staged for the amusement of shadowy, immobile, possibly godlike creatures. This shattering revelation left him constantly looking over his shoulder, certain he is being watched. Persons serving with Strehstowt are warned to be prepared for--and to ignore--his frequent cries of “AAIIEEE! WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!! No--wait--we’re not. Sorry.”

GOALS:  To be stranded on a desert island with nothing more complex than string within a thousand parsecs.

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